The D-Day!!!

Its Jan 02, 2007 today. The day which I waited for over an year in a hope to get some smile, real smile on my face. The face is dim now. No one can bring smile to my face. Seems like this blog belongs to a loser. Am I a loser? I guess I am. I feel everyone feels the same.

Was trying to see my score at IIMK site for long. In the meantime, Bua called up and started crying on the phone. I haven't been to her place since last two weeks even after being invited coupla times. Suddenly the page opened and displayed some dirty figures. The figure was 92.55. This represents my score on the CAT, which I am trying to tame since last 3 years. There was a mixed feeling which made me realise that it is so very difficult to be an actor. Specifically a comedian. I had to cheer up my Bua in spite of tears in my eyes. Thank God or whoever is sitting up there that the conversation was telephonic. She couldn't see me, I couldn't’t see her. But then reality was in my eyes in a moment. I went out and smoked a cigarette.

That’s the end of it. That’s the end of it. This is what I feel. I cannot survive it next time. I wont.

After all I am a manager to the core without a degree in management, or should I say diploma which these fuckin’ institutes offer.

I don’t need it. I don’t need it anymore.

Cheers in Tears!!!

Where to go!!!!

Last few months have created a huge turmoil in my mind and I my life too. Being an introvert to the core, I have kept it all in my mind. Never really cared to cry my heart aloud to anybody. Kept ignoring things which came in my way. CAT happened. I was standing outside the school where I had to write the exam, full of confidence of making it this time. Went into the hall, was sitting on the front seat which did gave me a sign, an omen of success and made me confident that I am sitting on the winning seat and the next two n half hours will be mine and I have to bell the CAT which I am sure I will. I attempted the paper which wasn’t upto my expectations but I was sure enough that I would get atleast 3 IIM calls. I virtually tasted the success. The celebration followed with a drink or two at my fav place and a movie. The celebration was short lived until I came back and checked the answers. My heart sank. I was into tears. My preparation took a big big blow. Dad called up and was disappointed too. I was even more. I deserved success. I did all the right things. I improved my weak areas. The mistakes I committed were not mistakes, they were blunders. I cannot get a second chance. The only thing that can go in my favor is some magic. I haven’t lost all my hope yet. There were two questions that were incorrect in my set, so I may get some advantage out of it. This wasn’t my best. This was certainly not my best. If it would not materialize this time, I will have to think this is not for me and I am not made by IIMs. I wrote other exams half heartedly. I am not expecting much now and also want to remove the “regular CAT taker” mark off me.
I am working as a software engineer, a tag that hurts me every time somebody asks me what am I doing. I have to bear it. I have had no other option. Now I really want to move on.
The bigger problem: WHERE??
I have options but with a habit of procrastinating things. The options are shifting my domain to some KPO or to move to other heavy package job. I keep on saying money doesn’t matter but I know it does. It really do. Shifting to a KPO, I will be treated as a fresher even after 2 years in the industry. Shifting to a high paying job will leave me unsatisfied, being a technical job again. This is not all. Recently, I got myself interested
into psychology. I love this field but demands a post-grad degree that too from US. I cannot do that. I have commitments. Yes I have commitments.
Talking about procrastination, its really a bad habit and keeps on revolving around me 24x7. Right from getting up early in the morning to doing my work to hitting the gym.
I really want to move on. I have to. I cannot linger around any more. I cannot dawdle any more.
Come new year I am going to take a resolution to get off this shitty habit of mine. This things will be easier then. Be it a B-School, a KPO or a Techie Company.
The happy moments are yet to come. They will.
The same happy moments are procrastinating too. If I don’t, they wont.

Either I set goals for myself, or I will have to work for goal that others have set for themselves. Confused I am.

I will end up this post with the best ten 2-letter words:
“IF IT IS TO BE IT IS UP TO ME”

Cheers!!!